How to Make (and Maintain) Friendships as an Adult
Written by Taylor Buonocore and Mollie Khine
Whether you’re twenty-six or sixty-two, if you’ve found yourself pondering how to make new friends as an adult, you are not alone.
The transition to adulthood often means experiencing life changes or changing priorities that bring distance from our childhood friendships. We move to different cities, have diverging career interests, one of us gets married and/or has kids. Exciting as these changes are, they can make maintaining our original close friendships a challenge.
Not to mention, time is often tight. Most of us spend a significant portion of our days at work — sometimes over 80,000 hours over a lifetime.(1) Our days and nights are full and it can be tough to find the time or energy to meet new people.
In these conditions, a few things predictably happen.
- We gravitate toward the familiar and the routine. For example, you may visit the same coffee shop regularly for your standing order, and exchange the same brief pleasantries with the barista each visit.
- We miss opportunities to learn and connect. How many people do you typically encounter over the course of a day? Likely more than you can count. There are countless opportunities to meet new people, and yet we seldom take advantage of the opportunities in front of us.
- Even with those we know and love, we text to talk. Amazingly, most of our communication with friends and loved ones happens by text message and phone calls feel increasingly rare.
We tend to feel lonely. Social network researcher and professor of sociology, Mario Luis Small, calls the set of friends and family members people turn to when they want to talk out important matters the “core discussion network.” Its size averages about three people, and for 20 percent of the population, this network, sadly, includes no one. (2)
And yet, meaningful relationships are central to our wellbeing. The longest running study on happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, has affirmed that “it’s the quality of your relationships that matters. Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
So what can you do when you feel short on time but also short on meaningful connection?
- Plan a coffee date with someone you’re interested in getting to know. This could be a colleague in the office that you may not work directly with or an acquaintance you’ve haven’t spent much time with. Think ahead about some thoughtful questions to ask that can steer the conversation. Open-ended, “origin questions” often work well and prompt storytelling, which makes for a fun and interesting conversation. An origin question is when you ask about the catalyst or the beginning of something. For example, “Where did your interest in writing come from?” or “What was it that sparked you to start writing more?”
- Seek out new perspectives to bring variety to your relationships. Try hosting a “+1 Friend Gathering” by inviting a few people in your social circle to dinner and asking each person to bring someone who is new to the group. We use Convers(ate) to host a Jeffersonian Dinner style gatherings, where the group discusses a single topic as a table. It provides a fresh and interesting experience for your existing group of friends and also creates the opportunity to invite depth and authenticity in your conversation with people you’ve just met — a sure way to arrive as strangers and to leave as friends.
- Go somewhere that reflects your current interests or a passion of yours — for a mom with young kids, this could be a mommy meet up. It could also be an entrepreneurs meetup, pottery workshop, running group or improv class. Resolve to get contact information for one person and to follow up with them after the event. Even if you don’t end up clicking perfectly, the practice of taking the first step will flex your friendship muscles and prepare you for the moment you might meet your new friend-soul-mate.
- Pay attention to “friendship signs.” Have you ever bumped into someone new twice in one week? Or woken up to realize a friend of yours was in a dream that you had? Think of it as a friendship sign and take the opportunity to acknowledge the serendipity and to connect with a introduction or a phone call to catch-up.
- Host a standing video call. If getting together in person proves difficult, either due to geographic location or scheduling, a regular video chat can be great alternative. We use Zoom technology to get together once a month with 3 other couples and spend 1 hour swapping stories, laughing, and toasting (virtually) to life, love, and good friendships. The key here is to create consistency by introducing a recurring date on the calendar.
Pick one of these ideas and just go for it. It’ll break you out of your routine and bring the opportunity to meet someone new or perhaps reconnect with friends you’ve fallen out of touch with. Above all, when you’re together, use the skill of asking thoughtful questions to talk about things that matter. Because our time is so limited, it’s even more important to make it count when you are together with people — and to have a meaningful conversation.
Meaningful conversations leads to meaningful relationships, and meaningful relationships often develop into friendships that last.
What do you think? If you have a tip to share, we’d love to learn from you. Drop us a line at hello@convers-ate.com.
(1) 80,000 Hours
